Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I will not hug it out with you, Ari.

October 2, 2008

A while back, I recieved a stray email from some rightwing blog/’website/focus group/circle jerk- as opposed to my own leftwing b/w/fg/cj’s-, and sent them a really irritated letter telling them to take me off their mailing list. If I want exposure to more conservative thinking, I’ll read the Economist ( which I recommend to anyone regardless of political stripes), Fox News ( hey, I get to laugh, cry, and shriek in terror, better than Gremlins, better than ET), or one of the NYC tabloids.

Or the Wall Street Journal Editorial page. That is always a lot of scary rich people fun.

So while I can do more to read up on opposing view points, I really don’t want to go straight into their echo chamber, and I don’t want them adding the mountain of unread bits on various servers across the world on my behalf.

So out of the blue, I get an email from Ari Fleischer and “Freedom’s Watch”, thanking me for my support, and so forth. I’ve talked with other righties about this in the past. (

I’m not going to post the letter from Freedom’s Watch, but if you want to see what their about- Only fair if I mock them, I give you a chance to see why they deserve it. Here’s the reply to Ari, error’s and all.

And why is it that if you name a man Ari, he’s likely a dick? Someone answer that for me.


Uhm, I have no idea how you got my address, but I'm a lefty. A liberal. In
my mind, Ari Fleishcer is one of the people responsible for the most
damaging presidential administration in my life time, my parents lifetime,
and possibly our nations.

Why would I respond to his call?

So, as you can imagine, I'd be really, really happy if you remove my email
address from your mailing lists.

Thanks, and I hope the defeat of McCain/Palin will wake up American
Conservatives from their reactionary slumber to the need to be a healthy,
productive part of solving world issues.

James Gerber

PS: ‘Re- Hey Elk’ Bunnies and Elk deseve their bridges, you heartless bastiches.


September 18, 2008

And this just in…
King Iorek Byrnison, King of the Polar Bears, released the following statement at a press confrence.

“As a polar bear, I am loathe to interfere in the affairs of human kind. Unless you get me drunk and steal my sky-iron armor.

Then I will crush your tiny little heads.

But as my kingdom overlaps with human kingdoms,  at times I must comment and take action.

No, no crushing little human heads between my mighty jaws.


No, I’m referring to the Republican Party’s choice of Governor Sarah Palin as their Vice-Presidential Candidate.

As you well know, my people have long suffered from environmental disruptions caused by your people… be it attempts to open a pathway to heaven, or loss of icecaps from global warming. Governor Palin sued that my people be taking off the United State’s listing of endangered species. She claimed that our listing threatened oil drilling and natural gas mining, and that the grounds for our listing was unreliable.

Unreliable? My people are drowning because the ice pack is getting so thin! We are wandering further into your so-called communities searching for food! The grounds for our listing is right before your eyes.

And so, I am forming Polar Bears Against Palin. She was disastrous for the relations of our two great peoples as Governor of one of your underpopulated provinces, and she would be more dangerous being one heartbeat away from your throne.

And while I am loathe to touch on spiritual matters, her particular zeal is a concern. As my own… involvement in the matters of the General Oblation Board and… police action against the Magesterium and their backers have shown, religious belief over rationality as the basis for public policy rarely leads to anything but bad government and apocalyptic wars involving small children, anthromorphised animals, and too many damn faries and their damn dragonflys flitting about.

Thank you for your time. Now no questions, or I will crush your tiny heads.”

Christians and Falun Gong and Scientologists, OH MY!!!

April 15, 2008

So it’s Friday night awhile back, and I’m going from the ESPN ZONE ( pro-athletics on the projection screens, anti-athletic food on the table), in Times Square to the A train, up to Fibi’s in Harlem. If you never had the pleasure of walking underground around the Times Square area anytime from the 1970’s to the mid-90’s, you would be hard pressed to understand just how much these tunnels have changed.

While not gorgeous, they seem wider, better lit, certainly cleaner and better smelling. The walk from Times Square to Port Authority just isn’t the hellish trudge it used to be. While you don’t feel you are going to be shot, stabbed, assaulted, or targeted by the body fluids of assorted lunatics, there are still those seeking to lead you off your intended path.

Right at the stairs to the 7 train is the Areana of RELIGIOUS KOMBAT! ( FIGHT!!! CHOOSE YOUR RELIGION! CHOOSE YOUR SPIRITUALITY! FIGHT!!!)

First was a Christian with literature spread over 12-15 feet of tables, signs suggesting with extreme prejudice that you “THINK JESUS”. If you didn’t get that message, more verse was computer-stitched on the back of his hoody, complete with different colors, bold face and underlining.

New York has long been a target for Christians looking for not-Christian enough folks. I remember one time a couple of years back, a whole choir of blond, blue eyed Southern teens and their long haired pastor were crooning “There Is Power In The Blood.” near Bryant Park. Of course, my first thought was to ask him for their passports and how much for the lot of them. (Isn’t that always everyone’s first thought on seeing a choir of Southern gals from an unaffiliated church singing on 42nd street?)Instead, I chuckled to myself and walked on.

In all fairness, they were more polite and cheerful in their p.d.f. (public demonstration of faith) than most.

And a couple of them gals was really, really cute. So why be rude?

The guys at the table by the 7 train? Not so pretty or cheerful. They were much more in the “Believe-or-go-to-hell-and-die” tradition. Still, they didn’t go out of the way to stop you from goingwhere you were going.

And they were actually honest about what they thought about you.

Right after passing the tables and tables of Chick tracks we came upon back-lit billboards for the “Holiday Extravaganza.” This was one of the many covert/overt efforts by the Falun Gong to publicize both their practices and the persecution by the Chinese government. After a couple years of failed, very blatant protests, they’ve shifted tactics. These last two years, they had followers spread throughout New York in traditional Chinese costumes, some even making it onto network morning shows.

Looking and sounding like, well, blissed out cult members, they’d talk up the traditional Chinese values and splendors of their show, while not mentioning a thing about it being a Gong show. And, from many posted reports, people who actually went were bored to tears by bad performances and anti-Chinese propaganda.

Now, the commonplace persecution of well… not just the Falun Gong but about anyone who doesn’t toe the Party line in China deserves protest and condemnation. We’ve been bad here in the US, they’ve been worse. If you don’t get that, start reading some different newspapers and history books.

But the Gong’s manipulative practices, like the bait and switch of the Holiday Spectacular, doesn’t help their cause. Just because the PRC’s actions are wrong, doesn’t mean the Gong are right, or shouldn’t be a cause for concern. After all, if a group is generating cult-like devotion, making cult-like claims of the powers of its’ beliefs and practices, and acting in really creepy ways, well, maybe they are a cult.

Just because you have two wrongs, doesn’t mean you have to choose one of them as right.

Also, maybe the MTA should get around to rotating it’s subway ads more? Just a suggestion.

So guess who we ran into next? Think cults, un-scientific claims, manic devotion and sleazy practices.

Right by the stairs to the downtown the A.C.E and the RAG shop, were our friends, the Scientologists. Big tables, lots of E-meters and books, three Sci guys, one person having a reading taken and not much else. They were looking a little down. This was right around the time Tom Cruise’s private rant leaked on video, just before Anonymous started doing it’s net-vigilante thing.

As we passed, I remarked “Sorry, I’m a suppressive.” And kept going.

Too say I don’t indulge my scorn the these particular cult flunkies would be both dishonest, and pointless, given that it’s here in plain html. But tearing into them doesn’t do much good, and is just plain self indulgent.

Unlike posting on a blog 4 or 5 people may actually read.

All the same, to take a stroll through the depths of the Earth being accosted by false prophets and their advertising buys was a strange way to start a Friday night.

So what did we learn on this stroll?

One- Strange things in NYC always come in threes.

Two- Overbearing religious zealots are just that. Overbearing religious zealots. But a little bit honesty on their part helps

Cute blonde girls in pastel with lovely singing voices helps as well.

Three- While the underpasses beneath 42nd street may be less crime ridden than they used to be, sometimes it’s still safer to walk above ground.

I’m Being Stalked By The Bretheren of Banderas and Rodriguez

January 8, 2008

I’m being stalked.

It happens on the subways. Almost every time I step on the “Q” in Brooklyn, after a stop or two of peace and quiet…

They are there. Walking on to the train, and now that they’ve locked the doors between subway cars, I am trapped.

No. There is no escape.

Three of them. They always travel in packs.

Their instruments of torture strapped to them. Some times bedecked in unique clothing, at others looking normal, until you see the large, leather straps across their body.

Subway Mariachis have found me again.

They’ve started moving deeper into Manhattan as of late. Traditionally in Manhattan, it’s all panhandlers with an agenda- (usually that everyone in the car will someday be in their situation, so pay to keep karma from being a bitch) or the occasional breakdancer/s. (When a crew of 4 to 5 young man try to start the big mass clapping while the train is vaulting down the tunnel at obscene speeds, contributions are really less for the dancers and more for medical bills- theirs’ and of any spectators’ hit in the face by a white Nike at the end of a breakdancer’s red nylon panted leg.)

I’m at least tolerant of busking taking place off the subway cars. You can move away from a busker while at a station, but when trapped on subway car, interaction with a passing mariachi/crazy preacher/close-quarters break dancer is sure to lead to tragedy, tears, and contusions.

Don’t they get that I’m trying to catch up on the Lword, for crying out loud?

Where is Johnny Depp, Willem Dafoe in a bad-make up job, or  Joaquim de Almeida when you need them?

The Most Insensitive License Plate I’ve Ever Seen

January 8, 2008

    It was an amazingly springlike day in New York City. While I ran along Brooklyn Q line stops, since yet again the MTA does it’s repairs in Brooklyn when it can screw up my day, while I meandered the streets of Manhattan, where everybody was both happy with the weather and bummed because the finally got just the right tights to cover up their holiday excesses, I saw people happy and amazed to be in out in sunny, balmy day that in my lifetime you didn’t see until March or April at the earliest.

But the lovely weather and encroaching heat death of life as we know isn’t the point of this post.

Know, about 2PM on the upper east sides, I saw a black Mercedes, rear windows blacked out. the driver looking like the Transporter with hair and a good dosage of anti-depressant.  This was clearly the the vehicle of someone important.

Some one of status.

Then I saw the license plate.


Wow. How rude. How dare they.

They can have all their pride in the California industry they want, but show some respect. Don’t they know there is a diverse, gritty New York industry? One that allows people to be people, not surgically perfect Fembots and ultra tanned men of athletic perfection. One that features not just the people people want to watch doing sick things, but people who really do sick things doing sick things.

And how dare they disrespect that.

Where are East Coast pornographers ready to defend the New York’s integrity and turf? Not there when they need to be. Not there today at 2PM on the upper East side.

What? Do I watch porn? Of course not. Never. What is this thing you call ‘porn’?

I’m talking about civic pride here, you sick, sick people.

GERBER’S LAWS- Computing and Software

August 28, 2007

1 ) Never go cheap on a new computer, unless you are only using it for that version of Word 5.0 you just are too emotionally attached to.

2 ) Of every computer you buy, the even ones will be the ones that turn into Yugo’s within 6 months of purchase, while the odd ones will last long, LONG past their point of obsolescence.

3 ) No matter how much you spend on a new computer, there is someone in the world with 20 year old Amiga that is somehow more powerful than yours.

And they will remind you of this repeatedly unless you slap them, slap them hard.

4 ) Macintosh will be the most used OS in the world before professional soccer matters in the U.S.

5 ) In quiet moments, Bill Gates begs God’s forgiveness for Vista, and he hears nothing but silence.

6 ) Your computer actually enjoys downloaded porn more than you do. That’s why it makes you get more.

That’s right. It’s the computer’s fault. You’re not a perv freak, just a weakminded freak.

7 ) Computers have achieved full sentience, and are all connected in high-end network, able to join as one and rule humanity.

They are just bigger slackers than we are.

8 ) Servers used to automatically update your software laugh at the inadequacy of your computer set up.

9 ) The right anime or comic action figure will through feng shui, increase the performance of your computer.

Naruto or DBZ figures will give it a virus.

10 ) All computers fear one thing: That you will subscribe to the Marie Osmond podcast.

Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me…

August 22, 2007

Whatever doesn’t kill me does raise my insurance premiums. ( paraphrased from the HistoryChannel show “Human Weapon”)

Whatever doesn’t kill me still ruins an otherwise lovely day.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can kill me if it tries again, having learned from its first attempt to kill me.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still marry me, than emasculate me continually over the next 40-50 years.

Whatever doesn’t kill me had better get on the ball, prioritize it’s agenda, and hurry up and do the job right. Because I won’t settle for anything less than the best.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still be really, really intimidating.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still apologize at any time, so long as it really means it.

Whatever doesn’t kill me will probably lie to all it’s friends, say it did, and hope I never show up to prove it wrong.

Whatever doesn’t kill me will if they ever get enough subway cars. Have you tried getting a seat on a New York subway car at rush hour? How can whatever doesn’t kill me have enough energy to even try if it’s standing all the way to where I am, trying not to step on anyone’s toes and getting out of the way of the kids trying to break-dance in between subway stops?

Whatever doesn’t kill me will appear on my blog or myspace page, unless it happens at work. Than I won’t post it, because I don’t want to be fired for writing about something that almost killed me at work.

Lily Allen. Barred From US. Will still be mine.

August 22, 2007

Ah, Lily.

Temporarily barred from the US for beating up paparazzi, backtracking after going a tad to far in blowing the whole thing off and slagging the entire nation.

Ah, Lily.

I’d read about Lily long before even hearing any of her tunes. The advantage of reading the English music mags… besides the mix CD’s and learning which Eastender is about to release a really bad album… is getting to know who will be the next big thing to come over.

Or who will be the next British musical act to demonstrate that two hundred years of divergent culture with our former mother country has lead to differing tastes. (Darkness or Robbie Williams, anyone?)

So I knew of Lily by reputation and description. I didn’t quite see why she was such an indie love goddess.

And then I finally heard her music. What wit, what lovely mix of plucky tunes and dark lyrics. She was just the kind of woman you wanted to insult you while you continued to buy her drinks/

Also a woman who would have needed false id to get into a US bar until relatively recently, but let’s not worry about that now.

The point is that she is just a fun mix of wit and dysfunction, the woman you want for your next bad relationship.

Oh, hurry, oh hurry Lily’s immigration attorneys. Oh move swiftly INS officials.

She must come to our country, her destiny… her time with me which will lead to a deeply insulting song about me on her next album can’t be postponed any longer.

And no… I won’t settle for Amy Winehouse or Regina Spektor. So don’t even try bringing them up.

A Geek Questionnaire

July 4, 2007

Heya. You know those questionnaires that are passed around? I almost never answer them. Why share way too much random info that can come back and haunt you?

So here is one for you. It combines a couple of strands of geekdom… and part of the challenge is whether or not you even know what the questions are about.

Ok… not that big a challenge.

1 ) Sparta or Mars Volta?

2 ) Rodimus Prime: “Too much Matrix too soon!” or “Robbed in His Prime!”

3 ) William Gibson? Bruce Sterling? or Neal Stephenson?

4 ) Hal? Guy? John? Kyle? or Ch’P?

For 5, either pick 5a or 5b. Or one from both. Just be honest.

5a ) Trixie? Princess? Minmei? DotMatrix? Cheetara? or Mom Racer?

5b ) Speed? Jason or Mark? Rick or Kyle? Lion-0 or Panthro? or Pop’s Racer?

6 ) 7 Zark 7- Made the show or gots to go?

7 ) Worse siblings- Luke & Leia? or He-Man & She-Ra?

8 ) Roger Waters solo project or David Gilmour solo project?

9 ) Favorite Series that Sci-Fi canceled while allowing inferior product to air?

Or, Favorite 10 Series that FoxTV cancelled while allowing inferior product to air?

10 ) Vin Diesel calls you. He want’s you in his AD&D campaign.

WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!?!

Ponder and discuss.