NKOTB- GOD HELP US ALL!!!

So it’s Wednesday, I’m at the farewell party for my boss at the Pig n Whistle on 3rd in the 50’s, and one of the girls in attendance hatches a plan.

“OH MY GOD! WE SO GOTTA GO AT 6AM AND SEE THE NEW KIDS AT THE TODAY SHOW!!!

Now, I’ve been convincing myself that this whole New Kids things was a myth. It had to be. They sucked back in the day ( they worked hard, put time and effort in, don’t get me wrong. I wish I could suck artistically as much as they did and get paid bazillions. I’m a NKOTB Hater, but I give all due respect.) The little one had done some decent Broadway, and Donnie..
DONNIE WAS IN THE FRICKIN BAND OF BROTHERS. He played a tough as nails fucking AIRBORNE SERGEANT IN ONE OF THE MOST DECORATED AND LEGENDARY UNITS TO EVER SERVE IN THE US ARMY.

WHY? WHY GOD WHY! When they record the 10th anniversary commentary track of the DVD, what will the rest of the boys say to him. “Be forever my girl, Sarge? HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!”

Ok.. so he’s a Wahlberg. He’ll kick their asses, but still….

So, wanting to support my co-workers, I mentioned I wouldn’t show up, but I’d dvr and burn a DVD for them.

So… wow, I use “so” a lot in my posts… so, anyway, I wake up this morning, see the DVR burning away, and shudder at what it must be going through. At work, I find none of them are making it. None of them ran with my witty idea to incorporate our store logo into a sign. None of them participated in the horror

And now, I’m watching the spectacle. Oh god help us all.

They still suck like a black hole in over drive. They suck like a Dyson making love to a Red Devil. They suck like an ex-porn star singing on a Christian Rock CD ( And by the way, Traci Lords techno album back in the day did not suck. Just a shout out.) They suck like… seriously.

Donnie was wearing a black baseball cap… like a balding New Kid was somehow not possible..

“SARGE! WHY DID YOU DO IT!?!?!”

So the fans have fun. The guys play humble, and they get to cash in while making new music which sucks in ways so horrible even Dick Cheney wouldn’t employ them.

God help us. Even if for only a short time, NKOTB is back. God fucking help us.

You see, they suck so bad I’m asking for help from a philosophical concept- an omnipotent and omnipresent deity- I lost all belief in back before somebody thought “Hey, New Edition…. but WHITER!!!!!”

Oh the pain.