Archive for August, 2007

GERBER’S LAWS- Computing and Software

August 28, 2007

1 ) Never go cheap on a new computer, unless you are only using it for that version of Word 5.0 you just are too emotionally attached to.

2 ) Of every computer you buy, the even ones will be the ones that turn into Yugo’s within 6 months of purchase, while the odd ones will last long, LONG past their point of obsolescence.

3 ) No matter how much you spend on a new computer, there is someone in the world with 20 year old Amiga that is somehow more powerful than yours.

And they will remind you of this repeatedly unless you slap them, slap them hard.

4 ) Macintosh will be the most used OS in the world before professional soccer matters in the U.S.

5 ) In quiet moments, Bill Gates begs God’s forgiveness for Vista, and he hears nothing but silence.

6 ) Your computer actually enjoys downloaded porn more than you do. That’s why it makes you get more.

That’s right. It’s the computer’s fault. You’re not a perv freak, just a weakminded freak.

7 ) Computers have achieved full sentience, and are all connected in high-end network, able to join as one and rule humanity.

They are just bigger slackers than we are.

8 ) Servers used to automatically update your software laugh at the inadequacy of your computer set up.

9 ) The right anime or comic action figure will through feng shui, increase the performance of your computer.

Naruto or DBZ figures will give it a virus.

10 ) All computers fear one thing: That you will subscribe to the Marie Osmond podcast.

Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me…

August 22, 2007

Whatever doesn’t kill me does raise my insurance premiums. ( paraphrased from the HistoryChannel show “Human Weapon”)

Whatever doesn’t kill me still ruins an otherwise lovely day.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can kill me if it tries again, having learned from its first attempt to kill me.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still marry me, than emasculate me continually over the next 40-50 years.

Whatever doesn’t kill me had better get on the ball, prioritize it’s agenda, and hurry up and do the job right. Because I won’t settle for anything less than the best.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still be really, really intimidating.

Whatever doesn’t kill me can still apologize at any time, so long as it really means it.

Whatever doesn’t kill me will probably lie to all it’s friends, say it did, and hope I never show up to prove it wrong.

Whatever doesn’t kill me will if they ever get enough subway cars. Have you tried getting a seat on a New York subway car at rush hour? How can whatever doesn’t kill me have enough energy to even try if it’s standing all the way to where I am, trying not to step on anyone’s toes and getting out of the way of the kids trying to break-dance in between subway stops?

Whatever doesn’t kill me will appear on my blog or myspace page, unless it happens at work. Than I won’t post it, because I don’t want to be fired for writing about something that almost killed me at work.

Lily Allen. Barred From US. Will still be mine.

August 22, 2007

Ah, Lily.

Temporarily barred from the US for beating up paparazzi, backtracking after going a tad to far in blowing the whole thing off and slagging the entire nation.

Ah, Lily.

I’d read about Lily long before even hearing any of her tunes. The advantage of reading the English music mags… besides the mix CD’s and learning which Eastender is about to release a really bad album… is getting to know who will be the next big thing to come over.

Or who will be the next British musical act to demonstrate that two hundred years of divergent culture with our former mother country has lead to differing tastes. (Darkness or Robbie Williams, anyone?)

So I knew of Lily by reputation and description. I didn’t quite see why she was such an indie love goddess.

And then I finally heard her music. What wit, what lovely mix of plucky tunes and dark lyrics. She was just the kind of woman you wanted to insult you while you continued to buy her drinks/

Also a woman who would have needed false id to get into a US bar until relatively recently, but let’s not worry about that now.

The point is that she is just a fun mix of wit and dysfunction, the woman you want for your next bad relationship.

Oh, hurry, oh hurry Lily’s immigration attorneys. Oh move swiftly INS officials.

She must come to our country, her destiny… her time with me which will lead to a deeply insulting song about me on her next album can’t be postponed any longer.

And no… I won’t settle for Amy Winehouse or Regina Spektor. So don’t even try bringing them up.